Your Conversation Just Took A Downturn, Now What? (Difficult Conversations Series 2/4)

So, you have taken all the necessary precautions to have a conversation that you have long put off.  Just when you think that all your preparation is paying off, the conversation spirals out of control and it is devolving into unhealthy discourse.  Usually, it is when a person feels unsafe that they may resort to unproductive methods such as withholding information or forcing their ideas.  Rest assured, all hope is not lost.  If you determine that the person you are speaking to is reasonable, rational, and decent, there are a few things you can do to get it back on track. And if you determine the person is illogical or unreasonable, well, you can always run away.

It is helpful to spot these unproductive tactics that one can use in a conversation:

1. Use of violence. Author Kerry Patterson defines violence as “any verbal strategy that attempts to convince, compel, and control others to your point of view.” When you dominate the conversation, cut people off, overstate your opinions, or make demands, such as “you have to do this,” it is quite harmful.  These tactics violate the safe exchange of ideas because it is aiming to force meaning into the shared pool of understanding and prevents the other person from openly contributing; hence, a mutual agreement cannot be reached. Similarly, trying to get your way at any means necessary by name-calling, manipulating, or acting like you are the only one who has dignity is counterproductive.

2. Use of Silence. This is when a person decides to withhold information, mask their true meaning or withdraw from the conversation. A meeting of the minds cannot be reached if only one side is sharing.

3. Fixation on blame. Maybe you notice that the other person is trying to chronicle all the times when you were at fault and to blame.  It is one thing to cite previous examples to illustrate your point briefly, but it becomes fruitless when the person is hooked on the past and not interested in moving the dialogue forward.

4. Wanting the other person to be a mind reader. You can think to yourself, I just told the person I was overworked, that should have been a clear signal that they should not give me more work. It would be wonderful if we could all pick up on clues, but it is even more incredible when we can say what you mean, instead of dropping a hint and hoping they pick up on it. Being crystal clear is kind.

5. Track switching. This is what occurs when two people are not on the same page so they are talking past each other. You may broach the topic of lateness and the other person ignores it and brings up your inability to respond to emails in a timely manner. Now, there are two topics on the table, so it is essential to tackle them one at a time or progress will not be made.

When disruptive tactics are employed, here are some helpful techniques to make progress:

1. Label the behavior.  If the person is continually interrupting, say so, because it brings the issue to the forefront and raises it as a point of discussion.  They may not be aware that they are behaving in this manner and it is only when you name the dynamic that you notice, which could prompt them to stop.  Here are some examples…

·      If they go off track, you may say, “I see that when I am trying to hash out this issue, we keep returning to this other aspect.  How would you feel about finishing this one topic before moving on to another?”

·      “I notice when I try and share my view, you interrupt me and I cannot complete my thought.  Do you think we can speak in briefer time frames so we can finish our thoughts and hear the other person?”

·      “It seems like there is a real focus on blaming me.  It is not okay to only look at my contribution, but it is necessary to look at both sides of the issue.”

2. Prime. If the person is intent on being silent, it could be useful to keep the conversation going by encouraging them back into the talk by suggesting something you think they are feeling or pondering. When you prime or guess what they are thinking, it allows them an opportunity to respond.

·      You can say, “Are you thinking that the only way to do this is to …?”

3. Contrast. When you see the conversation going in an unhappy direction, you can use a contrast statement, which is a simple sharing of what you do not want to happen followed by what you want.  This will address the other person’s concerns and clarify the real purpose. Examples: 

·      “I do not want you to think that I am dissatisfied with your work, instead I value punctuality and want to work on that.”

·      “I know this is difficult and I do not want to upset you, rather, I want to partner in a more empowering way so we can be happy.”

4. Return to the common goal. If the conversation becomes heated, you can take a step back and remind each other that you are not enemies, but in fact on the same side.  Focus on the common goal you share.  For example:

·      You could say, “We both want this project to go well so we can get our bonuses and be proud of our work.”

·      “I do not want to argue, I want to find a way where both of us can get what we want.”

·      “I know we both genuinely care about making this client happy.”

5. Focus on problem-solving and the future. Maybe your coworker keeps returning to something that happened in the past and every time you shift the conversation forward, he/she rewinds.  You can focus on what you want to bring about, what you want to see, not what you have already seen. Here are examples:

·      “If we put our heads together, we can probably come up with a way to move past this.  Do you have any ideas?”

·      “The goal of this conversation is to work together more powerfully, what is the best way you think this can happen?”

·      “Clearly, you think this is unfair, so how can we fix this?”

To have a fruitful conversation, we need to do everything in our power to do our part in contributing to a positive outcome.  Using some of these techniques can go a long way in creating breakthrough understandings and deepening relationships to be more meaningful.   At the end of the day, if it does not work out as planned, it will not be because of a lack of conversational intelligence or effort on your part.

Quote of the day: “In conversation avoid the extremes of forwardness and reserve.” – John Byrom

Q: How has your communication style changed from when you were a kid?  Which technique did you unknowing use then, how about now?  Comment and share below, we would love to hear from you!

The next blogin this series 3/4 will focus on the DOs & DON’Ts of effective communication.

As a leadership development and executive coach, I work with leaders to have courageous conversations, contact me to explore this topic further.

Avoid ineffective communication

How To Have Difficult But Caring Conversations (Difficult Conversations Series 1/4)

Most people dread the difficult, challenging conversation that needs to happen. This could include giving unpleasant feedback, following up with your boss about a raise she/he said would happen, but has not, or confronting a teammate about their problematic performance and work habits.  If these situations are not handled with great care, it could not only explode in your face but also make the other person feel like their very competency and sense of worth are called into question.

It is natural to want to avoid these conversations because of the potential for things to go wrong. On the flip side, having the conversation can deliver a great sense of relief from the trepidation that fills our mind.  When we are constantly thinking about these delicate and intense exchanges, stress and negativity can consume our thoughts and distract us from our most important work. Instead of avoiding these moments, learning how to tackle them head-on can be one of the best ways to reduce your anxiety and even advance your career.

In his landmark book, Crucial Conversations, Kerry Patterson et al. defines a crucial conversation as a critical conversation when stakes are high, opinions vary, and emotions run strong so thought and care are required for the exchange.

If you plan on confronting somebody with an issue, here are some steps you can take to make it go as smoothly as possible:

1. Make an appointment.  Let the person know the nature of the talk so they can adequately prepare and not be thrown off and perhaps instinctually defensive.  A right moment for you does not mean the timing works for them as well.

2. Share your goal. It is critical to articulate your desired outcome.  Do you want to share how a comment that was made in a meeting impacted you? Maybe an ideal result could be to have that person stop speaking for you. Perhaps you noticed that the relationship had been soured and your goal is to return it to the way things used to be?  Clueing the other person in on your intention would ease their natural defense mechanism and you may even discover that you have a common goal in getting the project completed on time and doing an amazing job, even if you have different visions on how to get there.

The next few suggestions come from a model used in Crucial Conversations called STATE – State the facts, Tell the story, Ask for their perspective, Talk tentatively, and Encourage testing. 

3. State the facts. When you recount the specific things that happened, it lays the groundwork for all delicate situations because they see what went into you forming your conclusions.   For example:

·      When you do not show up for team meetings, do not deliver work on time, and do not share your opinions…

·      When I fail to get a payment from you for several weeks, and you do not respond to my emails…

4. Tell your story. These are the facts plus the conclusion. Once you have shared the facts, let them know how you arrived at your findings so they can fully understand your thought process. For example:

·      When you do not show up for team meetings, do not deliver work on time, and do not share your opinions… it seems as if you do not care about this project or are not putting in the same efforts as your teammates.

·      When I fail to get a payment from you for several weeks and you do not respond to my emails, I worry that you will never pay me.

5. Ask for their story. It is vital to get their take on the story so you have the full picture.  Do not assume you already know it so encourage them to share and listen thoroughly to what they have to say.  If true understanding is to happen and a resolution is to be reached, communication has to be a two-way street. Examples:

·      I’m probably not seeing the whole story, can you help me see what is going on or happening on your end?

·      I’m starting to think you may not care about this team, do you have another explanation? What am I missing?

When the other person is sharing, it is vital to listen with curiosity because valuable insight will be shared for you to navigate the conversation better and build a connection for greater understanding to take place.  When you can stand in their shoes and see their perspectives, you have a better chance of reaching an agreement and satisfying all needs.

6. Co-create success. It is always a good idea to engage your colleague in a problem-solving exercise to make the exchange more collaborative versus combative. Examples:

·      I hear you saying you are okay with this approach, but it looks as if maybe you still have some concerns, is that right, should we talk through them?

·      What outcomes are essential to both of us?  What constraints do we both have that we need to be aware of?  What is important to each of us that the other might not be aware of?

·      I hear you are concerned with getting certain people to leave this team to complete the project.  If we can get the right people, what can the campaign look like?

7. End with a thank you. These two words work in almost any situation, it creates closure in a difficult conversation.

The two other parts to Patterson’s STATE acronym include:

·      Talk tentatively. When you are convinced of the information and act in a forceful, dogmatic manner, you can invite unnecessary resistance.  In contrast, when you are tentative and more open in your approach, you can comfortably include the other person into the dialogue.  Examples can include: “This is my opinion…,” or “I’m thinking out loud here….”

·      Encourage testing. This approach is a way to draw out more of their response if you feel they are not sharing fully. Example: I’d like to take a stab at something here, I wonder if part of the reason why you do not submit your work on time is because you do not feel connected to the team or are not challenged by the work?

An effective conversation does not just include pure content, it is also about the way the information is presented and the intention to reconcile the difference in a caring and fair way.  The best approach to a satisfying outcome is to get as much information as you can so understanding can occur.  Indeed, a difficult conversation can be an opportunity for connection.

Question to consider: What is a constructive approach you have taken to handle a challenging conversation? We would love to hear your thoughts!

Quote of the day: “One good conversation can shift the direction of change forever.” –Linda Lambert

The next blog in this series 2/4 will focus on what happens when your difficult conversation detours.

As a leadership development and executive coach, I work with leaders to have courageous conversations, contact me to explore this topic further.

We need to talk…

4 Keys To Unlocking Your Emotional Intelligence

Have you ever stopped to think about the relationship you have with your emotions?

Emotional Intelligence (otherwise known as EQ) is the ability to recognize, understand, and manage your emotions and influence others.  It is about how we handle ourselves and our relationships, especially in times of stress.  While the term was created by two researchers – Peter Salovey and John Mayer – it became popularized by Daniel Goleman in his 1995 book of the same name. Goleman cites research showing that EQ counts for twice as much as IQ and technical skills combined when determining success.

Having a high level of EQ will help us respond effectively to triggers or stressful situations.  A trigger is something that sets you off and can potentially destabilize you.  For example, you’re in a meeting and your coworker embarrasses you in front of your boss by sharing how you missed your deadline.  Welcome to your trigger!  You are trying to fathom what just happened…did that person really just throw me under the bus and then drive over me? The emotional part of your brain takes over and you are flooded with adrenaline and cortisol, the same neurotransmitters and hormones that have evolutionary and narrowly protected us from bear attacks by freezing, fighting, or fleeing.  Your logical brain temporarily shuts down and you lose the ability to think rationally because you are deep into threat mode. Instead of responding deliberately and thoughtfully, you blurt out something you may not want. 

If you are not careful and have not been cultivating your EQ, you can unknowingly think and behave in ways that impact your relationships and the experiences throughout the rest of your day and well after.

Here are some ways to raise your Emotional Intelligence:

1. Become aware of your triggers. Pay attention to the times when you experience stress or overwhelming emotions and frustrations, and discern patterns.  Is there usually someone or something that sets you off? Maybe it is that coworker who never reads emails and asks you questions that have already been covered.  Perhaps it is the team leader who piles on the work and significantly underestimates the time it will take to complete it.  Maybe it is two seemingly unrelated requests that actually are connected because it has to do with the fact that your plate is full and you are unable to service them. By identifying your triggers in advance, you can properly plan out your response and use your emotional intelligence wisely when you are in that situation.

Author Anne Grady offers some helpful questions to ask to learn about your triggers: 1. It makes me angry when…?; 2. I become overwhelmed when…?; 3. I feel offended when…?; 4. I think it is rude to…?; 5. At work, I wish people would…?; 6. It makes me crazy when…?; 7. I get irritated when I come to work and…?

2. Investigate your emotions for information. Strong emotions are not bad and they do not need to be pushed down or controlled, rather they need to be explored.  Our emotions evolved as a signaling system, a way to communicate with each other and to better understand ourselves.  Knowing what we are feeling and why we are feeling it will increase your EQ response so you do not shoot off rapid-fire responses that are reactionary.

The inquiry can begin first with labeling the emotion by asking, what am I feeling?  Anger, frustration, disappointment, sadness, embarrassment?  Each emotion gives us specific insight on how to best address the situation. Second, we want to find the lesson in the emotions so we can make better decisions.  What is the emotion telling me?  Maybe you are constantly stressed at work, but when you dig deeper, you realize that the exact emotion is disappointment in the work that you are doing.  You have labored just as many hours at another job and did not feel depleted, instead was more energized by the work.  The constant arrival of that emotion can shine a light on a deeper problem and propel us to change.

3. Use your emotions to your advantage. The ability to harness those emotions and apply them to tasks like thinking and problem-solving can be incredibly beneficial. A healthy dose of frustration can be good, leading to creativity and determination. Anger can be valuable if we use it as an alarm clock to wake up and bring about immediate change; we can direct the frustration toward meeting our needs, not punishing people. 

4. Calibrate your emotions. The stronger your emotions, the more likely they are to distract your behavior and potentially cripple you.  If you learn ways to tone them down, they can help you better respond to your triggers.  A great strategy for this is to employ a breathing technique where you take three deep breaths and exhale slowly so your body is feeling more relaxed and you can offer a proper response and not an impulsive one. You can also count to 10, drink a glass of water, go for a quick walk, or mentally travel to your happy space to fill your energy bucket so you have more positive emotions in which to tap. You can also get curious and ask questions to learn more and also buy yourself time to let some of the raw emotions diffuse.

Emotional intelligence determines how you interact with others, maintain relationships, stay motivated, make decisions, manage your emotions, influence others, and much more.  The more you can get a hold of your emotions, the more you can use them to push you forward instead of hold you back. 

Quote of the day: “Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret”- Ambrose Bierce 

Q: When you are triggered, what technique do you use so you can respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively?  Comment and share with us, we would love to hear!

As a leadership development and executive coach, I work with leaders to strengthen their emotional intelligence, contact me to explore this topic further.

How well do you know and can manage your emotions?

The Magic of Right-Brain/Left-Brain Thinking In Teams

In Daniel Pink’s bestseller, “A Whole New Mind,” he argues that although the work world has favored the left-brain thinkers (logical, mathematically-minded, number-crunchers), the right-brain thinkers (empathic, creative, pattern-recognizers, and meaning makers) are making a resurgence.  In fact, all evidence suggests that the future is going to belong to those workers who can leverage the power of both.

The theory that the different halves of the human brain govern different skills and personality traits traces as far back as the 1800s when scientists discovered that an injury to one side of the brain resulted in a loss of specific abilities. The concept gained further ground in the 1960s based on Nobel-Prize-winning "split-brain" work by neuropsychologist Robert Sperry.  However, Neuroscientist Lian McGilchrist argues that this may be an oversimplification.   He explains that it is really not about what they do (left being logical and right being creative), but more about how they do the same things differently. The right focuses on the big picture and the left focuses on details – making them both equally vital.   In essence, if we fail to hone in on the details, it becomes impossible to accomplish simple tasks, and if we cannot see the big picture, we lose all sense of direction.

Candidates whose abilities represent a marriage of the two hemispheres are highly sought after by employers.  In effect, combining softer skills such as teamwork, collaboration, and empathy with the so-called harder skills like technical ability, in-depth knowledge, and specific industry experience.  Some companies that consistently land on the “Best Workplace” list such as Google and Facebook design their interviews to ask questions which assess both a technical and cultural fit.  Spotify is known for creative drills to find left-brain/right-brain candidates, rather than just excellent techies.

Here Are Some Ways A Company Can Leverage Both To Get The Best Results:

1. Know Your Style.  Are you somebody who prefers creativity over analysis, seeing the big picture over small parts within, is more conceptional over practical, more intuitive over methodical?  There are various kinds of assessments such as StrengthsFinder that can glean essential data so you can utilize your gifts to your potential.

2. Create Mixed Teams.  It could be quite effective to combine somebody who enjoys accruing data, analyzing it, and strategizing with a teammate who can put that information into a story and paint a vision of the world that motivates people to get behind the idea.  For example, marketing is often regarded as a right-brain activity, the domain of creatives and artistic types. But without attention to data and analytics, there is a risk that your marketing campaign will be largely ineffective. Conversely, all data and analysis lead to a mundane campaign and a lackluster customer experience. It is important to pay attention to people’s different wiring because when you pair people that think too much alike, they can not only get in each other’s way but produce mono thinking.

3. Create More Integrated Departmental Opportunities. Director of Small Business Development, Tammy Marquez-Oldham offers this idea - you can divide your marketing development process into two phases, one for creative activities, such as brainstorming, building content, and creating visuals, and the other for analysis, tracking, reporting, and market segmentation. If you use separate teams for each process, ensure that they are communicating and coordinating with each other.

4. Encourage “Teach and Learns.” Informal conversations to help better package your ideas can serve as a medium for healthy exchanges.  For example, the creative thinker and visionary with grandiose ideas could benefit from questions from the left-minded teammates about small steps and details to puncture the paralysis of possibilities.   Likewise, the detail-oriented and analytical thinker could consider more on the side of messaging, branding, and the fine art of storytelling.

Being aware of what you bring to the table and finding ways to add what you lack is a proven method on how to get the best of both worlds in your business and personal life.

Quote of the day: “May you find inspiration in the big picture, but may you find love in the details - Adrienne Maloof

Q: Are you mainly a big picture or a detail-oriented thinker, or both?  How can you take a more balanced approach for the next time you are developing your ideas? Comment and share below, we would love to hear from you!

As a leadership development and executive coach, I work with leaders to strengthen their abilities, contact me to explore this topic further.

The best thinkers utilize both sides or form teams that do